'What is the weight of your fear'

By way of introduction, I am 27, 5'10", brown of (receding) hair and (near-blind) eye, 175 pounds, with a 32" waist... Not perfectly svelte, but certainly not a hideous blob, by any means. My smile makes me look both diabolical and more than a little hot. I am dark of mien in summer when tanned, but winter sees me soften to an unhealthy-looking yellow, as if jaundiced, damn florescent lighting. No matter the season, I look best when more of me is covered. There is an art and depth in such mysteries as hidden flesh which gives me confidence. I was born in 1980, the year of the Monkey, and am a Taurus on the cusp of Aries. Though gifted of the throat and voice, most people assume the worst: A fag in sheep's clothing... I am in fact bisexual, and resent what people always assume before asking, or waiting to be told. I am a divorcé. I have a beautiful, stupid, fat cat with all her claws (My wisdom teeth went missing surgically, and I could never put another creature through the removal of something that is supposed to be with one until the moment of, and possibly causing, death). She is a calico, and I am in love with her, though not in the way she would seem to prefer (I say philos, she says eros... Why can't we just settle on agape?). I have a wonderful boyfriend with bushy eyebrows that are as unruly as they are moody, an enigmatic smile, and deep green eyes. He hasn't yet said "I love you," though we've been dating for 9 months. He is 23, and an aspiring poet. He makes me want to sing.

I used to have a blog on another site, but found it too... Exposed. At the time it enjoyed some popularity, I was going through a divorce, and left out too much of my dirty laundry in far too public a form. I said things I shouldn't have said, and was contacted by people from my past that I didn't really care to hear from again, and who now know quite a lot about my private dealings, my sexuality, my financial status, what have you. So, here I take refuge behind my astrological sign, my second language, and a Tori lyric... Squire to the great astrological Monkey, indeed. Here, I hope to be comfortable (and anonymous,) enough to write bravely, if not well.

Today's post is titled 'What is the weight of your fear,' which is a question that came to me earlier while I was writing my bio for this very blog. To ask a question like this, one must first answer it for oneself, so... For the past seven months, my fear has, for the most part, been less than it was in the previous eight. And now, brilliantly, it is further reduced. Last year was difficult. It was my first year alone after my divorce was completed in December of '05. Following the breakdown of my car and a bout with pneumonia, I was laid off from my previous job of three and a half years after several stays of execution in December of '06. I met a wonderful man who I shall here call Orpheus in January. We have been dating officially since February. I finally got a temporary job in March, just as I was running out of money and contemplating the humiliating move back to my parents' basement. Today, my fear is less weighty because I was finally hired on by the company I have been temping for all this time.

As for the second part of the equation, which doesn't show up in titular form, 'and how do you plan to bear it?' I'd have to say with patience. My fear, like anyone's, is a multifaceted beast. I fear the enigmatic Orpheus will prove too young and passionate, too unfixed to love me. I fear this job really isn't a good fit for me in the long term. I fear bankruptcy and lack of medical insurance and beatings by jocks and pestilence... In short, I fear just about anything marginally bigger than myself, which is alright. I'm terribly nearsighted, and if the glasses are off, threats remain unseen. With all the good luck and good wishes in the past odd-year, coming out to my parents, learning to love Orpheus, adapting to a roommate situation, et. al... I am stronger, wiser, and a little more financially able. I cook much better (as O's wasitline will attest), look much better, am not an alcoholic, and can see a future for myself for the first time in quite awhile. I can smile again. Any way you look at it, that's a good start.