I really owe Orpheus a steak dinner

This weekend, Orpheus and I nearly parted ways. I say “nearly,” and it sounds so dramatic… Really, neither of us wants to break up, but there are certain pressures having to do with our sex life that I probably need to see a therapist about. The long and short of it is, we’re still together. Much of this all has to do with my severe phobia re: sexless relationships. My ex and I didn’t scrump for over a year before our separation and divorce. With O., the type of sexual deprivation is different, and leaves me feeling like I have half a sex life (albeit a really mind-blowing half… got to give credit where it’s due). We’ve been working on it, and until last night, there hadn’t been any breakthroughs. Still, I know he resents me for the conversation, a little… He’s feeling shame because he wasn’t fulfilling my needs, and worse, the whole shebang’s not an overriding reason for him. If our positions were reversed, he wouldn’t end the relationship over it. Orpheus, being who he is, though, accepted my distress, did his best to understand, and simply tried harder. Immediately. He is the most remarkable, tender man I know under pressure.

All’s not happiness and ginger, though. The blow-back, if there’s one, is yet to come. Generally, it takes O. awhile to come around to hurt or anger. We still haven’t had our first screaming match a year and a half into the relationship. Sure, we’ve shouted at each other, but never for protracted periods, and never for more than irritation over minor rubs. It’s easy to talk through that kind of thing later, and eventually curb the behavior that caused negative emotions. This project is, to put it mildly, a larger change in behavior that involves new patterns of dominance and submission, in an area that is highly sensitive to upset. But it’s important to me, and a necessary component of the relationship. The nickname Orpheus isn’t for naught… O. has meant more to me than anyone, romantically speaking, since LaGrippe. Really, he’s begun recently to feel more important than she ever was. I think, maybe, that’s why this whole thing suddenly became so important to me. And now it’s out there.

I really owe Orpheus a steak dinner.

The whole weekend was more or less uneventful. I did get to hang out with Bulgaria a bit, and check out his new Dell, which he got to make communication with friends here more probable while at home. It’s the home stretch before he leaves, and I’m trying very hard not to mourn him already. The time we have left is very important, very precious. We cooked together again, a delicious chicken and chorizo dish, with potatoes, lemon and gremmolata. Afterwards, B., his boyfriend, O. and I all went to see ‘The Dark Knight’ again. It was a good time.

Yesterday was, of course, the date of the big talk. Afterwards, he just wanted to be close to me, touch me. This isn’t normal for Orpheus. We watched movies all night long while I was, umm, “backing up” an amazing performance of Handel’s Giulio Cesare, starring a fantastically manly Mezzo in the title role, and a hot little number cross-trained as a dancer (who’ll soon be singing in Madison,) as Cleopatra. We talked a little more, and snuggled, and had sex twice. Weird. Good sex, though.